The Sweetest Sin
by PriestessAmy
Summary: "How Kate wished that she could hate her, or ignore her, or avoid her. If only she could do something other than love her with every fiber of her being."


Maxine Caulfield. How Kate wished that she could hate her, or ignore her, or avoid her. If only she could do something other than love her with every fiber of her being. Her life was filled with 'ifs'. If only she had gone to some other school. If only she had jumped. If only she had pushed Max away instead of desperately reaching out to her for help. If only Max weren't so kind and thoughtful and beaut-

No. She was allowed to think many things, but even that was too far. Max was a wonderful person, sweet but also undeniably pretty. But Kate was not allowed to acknowledge that beyond mere aesthetics. Anything more than that would have been sin. She was damned enough as it was. And she certainly had no interest in dragging someone else down with her if it should come to that. Kate had already done enough damage to last a lifetime.

Whenever Max would visit her in the hospital, she would only bear her presence for as long as she had to. She would complain of a headache, or talk about how exhausted she was. And Max, wonderful Max, would hug her tight, and say something sweet and affirmative before leaving her. And invariably Kate would weep, sometimes for hours, until she fell asleep.

Her doctors' promises that she would be returning to Blackwell were not met with much enthusiasm. Most assumed this was for the obvious reason that she didn't wish to return to the hell where she had been teased, bullied, and scorned for her views. But no, judging by her classmates' show of guilt, there would be little to no mention of that accursed video once she went back.

The problem was that she had become tainted by sins of every measure. Blackwell was the heaven from which her angel descended and showed her the utmost grace. She did not feel it was possible for her to return to that place, to share classes with her radiant love, to spend every waking second pretending that everything was okay.

But her only other option was to return home, and if anything could possibly be worse than Blackwell, it was that. Her father had been a saint and her sisters would no doubt be chomping at the bit to see her. But her mother would undoubtedly take every available chance to shower Kate with guilt over her 'selfish' decision. In time, her aunts would come around and make their disdain plainly known as well.

If she was to suffer, Kate would prefer the delicious pain of being around Maxine Caulfield over that hell any day. Max was even so kind as to conscript that blue-haired friend of hers into picking her up from the hospital. On the fated date, the staff insisted on wheeling her out in a wheelchair, despite the fact that she was perfectly capable of leaving on her own power. But they did so regardless of her protests.

The automated sliding doors parted and she was led into the bright sunshine. And standing there was her beloved.

And her beloved was holding hands with the other girl. She stood shakily from the wheelchair, and in a moment was drawn into those arms, hugged until she had no more breath left in her chest. She wanted to cry, no matter how inappropriate it was. Those linked hands were already burned in her memory, and as she looked over Max's shoulder, she could see the woman who had apparently captured her heart. The Hero got The Girl and Kate was little more than a pitiful creature that needed saving. Max gave her an extra squeeze before letting go, and her smile... _God above_ , that smile could light up the darkest valley.

The ride back was short and blissfully silent. Kate was grateful, if only because she wouldn't have known what to say. She noted that their driver soon resumed holding hands with Max, and even as they arrived back at Blackwell, they continued to stand close together. As they entered the dorms, she was vaguely aware that Max had started talking, telling her something about her room and her rabbit, that she would update her on her make-up assignments when she was ready, and to let her know if she needed anything. Kate replied, but by the time she'd stepped inside her room, she couldn't recall specifically what it was she had said.

The only thing she could focus on were those linked hands, the look of sheer bliss on Max's face, the way Chloe tugged her into her own dorm. She knew what that meant. She had her morals, but she wasn't naive. So with desperate hands she sought out Alice and pulled her silent partner into her bed to clutch at and pretend the little ball of fur understood her every woe, that she could offer her solace. But imagination could only do so much, and before long she put Alice back into her cage and went to her laptop.

Like an addict, her body acted almost against her will. She pulled up Facebook and began to stalk. The thrill and the guilt struck simultaneously as each picture flashed by. Max loved her selfies, and it seemed the only thing that came in at a close second was selfies with her new girlfriend. Yes, there it was, the words she had dreaded seeing and yet knew she couldn't rest until her suspicions were confirmed. Her angel was dating Chloe Price. Worst of all, she wanted to be happy for her friend, and grateful that this would stop her from being obsessed with the sandy-haired savior. But she was a teenage girl with an obsession and there would be no quieting her soul.

She continued to move about in a fog. Her life was not so much a steady stream of actions as a set of vignettes that blurred from one to the next. Her laptop had been shut down, her clothing changed to some pajamas, and she was burrowed under the covers of her bed. All the telltale signs of her downward spiral remained around her room – the mess, the covered mirror, the neglected violin. She thought that perhaps it would be best to leave them be. She longed for darkness now.

No one thought anything of it when Kate didn't return to classes the next day. The things she had been through, the secrets that had been brought out into the light, it was expected that she would need more than a trip to the hospital to recover. But after a full week had gone by and no one had so much as heard from her or seen her, everyone became concerned. For a while she was able to ignore it, because it was mostly just soft knocking, voices dully calling her name through the thick wood, that would leave soon after.

But on Saturday, she heard the sound of a key in her lock, and the door opened revealing a nameless, faceless member of Blackwell security and...

"No. Oh, please... Please no..."

Max rushed to her and practically tackled her there on her bed, hugging her as she did every single time. Kate had kept herself dead to the world all week. But as she lay there on her bed with those arms around her and the scent of something pleasant and flowery in her nose, she just couldn't bear it anymore. She sobbed, ragged, barely able to breathe, getting all manner of disgusting tears and snot on Max's beloved hoodie. If she cared at all, she didn't let it show. She just held her, and let her get it all out. And Kate wanted to hate Max all the more. To feel anything other than adoration.

There was another blur, and she somehow ended up exhausted with her head in Max's lap. It was the only place she wanted to be, and yet still she felt a desire to turn tail and run. Her hair had been pulled out of its trademark bun and gentle fingers worked their way through her disgusting locks. She tried to sniffle but could barely even breathe through her nose anymore.

"Kate?" Max's voice was a lighthouse guiding her back to the real world. "Kate... you said something..." She could feel her heart stopping. She had said something? She had barely been able to talk, but somehow amid all her sobbing she had said something. What did she say? What kind of something? Her memory was shot, broken, fractured and fragmented. Perhaps it had been nonsense, and Max just wanted her to try again. But what if she had spoken the unnameable truth she had worked so hard to bury? Her eyes shut tight; she couldn't look at Max, not now. Her deepest sin laid bare.

"I was just delirious. I haven't eaten so well. You should forget... forget everything... Forget me, Max. Just let me fade away, and soon enough I won't be a problem for anyone ever again." Kate wished that she was stronger. She could have pushed Max away, hurled every insult she knew, sinking deeper into her sin until everyone hated her, and then she could leave in peace.

But just as she tried to search her mind for the right thing to say to convince Max that she was worthless, she felt those gentle hands shift, pulling her upwards until her lips were pressed against the other's in a passionate embrace. Her eyes shot open wide. As much as she would have liked to let her continue, the sheer wrongness of this hit her like a freight train. Beyond simply being a homewrecker by kissing a girl who belonged to another, she wouldn't dare drag Max down to hell with her. Someone so pure didn't deserve that kind of fate.

She broke the kiss, and rolled away, falling immediately to the floor. Like a frantic animal she crawled to the furthest corner and huddled there, staring off into space at nothing. Her breathing was erratic and she couldn't focus. She was barely aware that Max had begun closing the distance between them. She instinctively curled in on herself. "Get away!" It had not merely been a cry, but a shriek, and Max recoiled in a mix of guilt, confusion, and horror. "Just please go. I won't allow you to be tempted by me. I won't stand between you and... and Chloe... I've done enough damage."

Thankfully Max stopped trying to get close to her, but she didn't leave either. Kate whimpered and buried her face in her knees, trying to get her breathing under control, or to stop the trembling. But it just kept coming in wave after wave. There was a long silence where the two sat there on the floor, neither doing anything or speaking a word. Max seemed to be waiting, like a patient parent allowing their child to complete a tantrum.

It could have been just a few minutes, or hours. But finally she heard the golden tones of Max's voice again, soft and clear as ever. "Warren... asked me out, one last desperate attempt after Going Ape fell through and everything went to hell. I told him I wasn't interested, that there was someone else. I thought that would be good enough, but Chloe was convinced he'd keep pestering me once it turned out to be a lie. So she cooked up this idiotic idea that we would 'date' for a while. The only reason she was holding my hand so much that day was because I didn't know if I could manage on my own. It was only supposed to be until... you got out of the hospital, and I could work up the nerve to... tell you..."

Kate was certain that she was still in the throes of some manic state. It seemed impossible what she was hearing. It couldn't be real. Perhaps if she knew Max's friend better, it might have made more sense. But all she heard was an excuse to make her calm down. And yet Max continued to speak, and she wasn't sure how much more sweetness she could handle. "To tell you... the one thing I should have told you... That there is no one on earth quite like you, Kate Beverly Marsh. That you make the world a better place simply by existing. That when you smile, the room lights up. That when you cry, everyone in a ten mile radius can feel it."

Kate had no tears left to cry, but she certainly wished that she did. All she felt now was tired. Truly tired. Exhausted in mind and heart and soul. She was only just able to process what Max was telling her, but it wasn't easy to believe. And even if she could, she still couldn't decide if she wanted it. Well of course she wanted it! But she didn't know if she was... allowed.

But somehow, some way, she started talking. It all came tumbling out. "And... I-I would tell you... I would tell you how bright your eyes are, the way they shine whenever someone is talking, and you ju-just know you're listening. I would tell you how b-b-beautiful you are when you grip your camera like it's a holy relic, how you take pictures with such ease and grace that it's almost magical." She took a deep breath, just barely managing to get enough oxygen in her lungs. "And I would con-confess... how terrible these thoughts make me feel, no matter how much it hurts you, because I can't stand the idea of being cast out from everything I've ever known for something... someone... so natural and wonderful..."

Arms enfolded her once again, and despite how awkward and difficult it was, Max held her and comforted her there in the dark corner of her dorm. "Kate... Whatever you decide, I'll do my best to understand. Because the only thing I can think of that would be worse than not being near you is being the cause of your misery." The grip around her tightened slightly and she felt a thumb, softer than anything she had ever felt, brush away a few errant tears. "But if you're ready, I'm here to show you the world the way that I see, where people change, and good things happen, and miracles exist."

There was another thick silence. Kate didn't so much break it as she did struggle to claw her way out of it. "Max... I don't want to go to hell..."

Fingers traced their way through her hair again and to her surprise, Max actually laughed softly. "Oh Kate. If you're going to hell, what hope is there for the rest of us?" Even Kate had a little bit of a laugh at that. Was she really that amazing? Max certainly seemed to think so. She worried it might take her a while to see it for herself. "How about I make you a deal?"

Kate looked into Max's eyes and saw a small glint there. "A deal...?"

"One romantic tea date. One chance for me to show you what I'm talking about. And after that, nothing else ever again. I'll never bug you about it ever again, unless you want me to. And, if by some completely inexplicable twist of divine heresy you go to hell, then you will have all eternity to blame it on me."

She knew Max was being facetious, but something about the way she spoke touched her deeply. "I don't... mean to get all serious on your otherwise adorable request, but... you would go to hell for me?" It was a stupid question, even she knew that. And she was sure that the truth was far more complex. But she needed to hear it.

Luckily, Max was as observant as she was beautiful. She felt that soft, gentle hand cup her chin. "If it should come to that, Kate... For the sheer joy of knowing you, I would abandon Heaven and storm Hell single-handedly to get you back." With her chin in Max's possession, it was a simple act to pull her into another kiss. She didn't pull away this time. She would never pull away again. She might hate herself sometimes, she might be terrified of judgment, she might be despised by her family, even God might leave her.

But Maxine Caulfield had proved time and time again that she would never desert her. The kiss finally ended and she was left breathing heavily, clinging to her angel. "I love you Max. I love you so much it hurts. I'm terrified, and I'm still so sad all the time. But I couldn't be happier to have you here for me."

Kate tried to convince Max to stay with her, but her savior refused to let her get away with hiding any longer. "You need some real food. We're going to the Two Whales. You need a burger and a shake." Tender as ever, Max helped her to her feet and directed her to get changed. "I'll be in my room when you're ready. Let me know if you need anything."

Half an hour later, showered and dressed in her comfiest clothes, Kate knocked excitedly at Max's door. The door opened and she felt her heart hitch for a second. She was up and walking around and going for food with Max and they loved each other and... And just maybe everything would be okay. She noticed that the other girl was maintaining her distance a little bit, but Kate would have none of it.

If she was destined for hell, then she would go there bravely. She reached out and took her beloved angel's hand, lacing their fingers together. And she would never let her go again.


End file.
